Shock, Disbelief, Despair, and Attempting to Understand

The Beginning of the End

Fourteen weeks ago, I lost the only two men in my life I have ever fully, 100% trusted. My Dad died –  and 4 days later, I found out that my husband- my third and final attempt at a husband- has been carrying on an affair for over two years. My life was completely changed (not for the better) in the span of just a few days.

I had been inconsolable regarding my Dad’s death for several days at the point which I discovered my husband’s second life. Just when I thought I had felt the worst pain in the world, he topped it. I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself. We were days from my dad’s interment. Days from closing on our new home. My kids are finally settled into great schools and a comfortable life. My Dad has to be laid to rest. I have to organize a Celebration of Life party for my Mom. I have to pack and clean about 3000 sq ft of mess. Do I leave? Can I leave? Should I leave?  Where do I go with the kids? They have to stay in school here. Who is this whore he put before our marriage? Before our entire life? Before me? Why? Am I not enough? Why? Did I do something wrong? Why? What did I do?

“Why” still seems to be the million dollar question. I can’t get an answer to this one. I have spent WEEKS rephrasing and re-asking the same question, through tears, through screams, and sometimes through gritted teeth. At one point, within a day or so of finding out, I was so furious that I stomped into the bedroom at 3am (I didn’t sleep for the better part of two weeks), jumped on the bed- kneeling while holding his laptop- where most of the information regarding the clandestine bullshit can be found- and I asked about this second woman that he was chatting up and evidently sending gifts. Of course his immediate response was to lie. I went to hit him in the face and stopped myself mid-swing, and opened my fist to land a hard slap on his arm. Awkward and stupid, but it felt good to hit him. I’m not gonna lie. Then I threw his laptop on top of him and stormed off. Unfortunately, I know the kids heard some of it. We were up all night for many nights, myself- inconsolable. Him- stoic and offering NO comfort whatsoever, nor any type of explanation. Almost all questions were answered with lies or “I don’t know.” yet, he wouldn’t just fuck off and give me some space. He was within 2 feet of me all the time. Did he enjoy watching the sobbing, slobbering mess that he had reduced me to? Because he certainly wasn’t there to comfort me or reassure me that he will keep his dick in his pants in the future. If I went outside to smoke, he followed me. If I went upstairs to cry, he followed me. I am still not sure why. He still does it. I was crying the night before last and he came into the bedroom. To watch I guess? He offers very little comfort, aside from squashing my lungs or stomach with the arm he drapes around me – I’m assuming that’s his attempt at comfort? He says it bothers him to see that he upset me this much. It. Bothers. HIM. If you pay close attention, you will start to notice that everything is about him, or he MAKES IT about him. He is a textbook narcissist.

The day I found out, I was home sick from work (which happens frequently, I am a medical nightmare.) and using the home office computer to work remotely. He knew I was using his computer that day. You have to understand, this man is a genius. He is a lawyer, a former cop, and literally the second smartest man I have ever known. My Dad being the first, of course. He is the only man I would ever say is on the same intellectual level as my Dad. My husband is the type that is always thinking ten steps ahead of everyone else. Everything is carefully planned. Always. So- he knew I was going to be on his computer that day, and left all of his accounts open?? I think he wanted to get caught. I found a receipt in his email for the CAR he was financing for this whore. YES- I said CAR. He was using OUR money to pay for this whore’s car?! I was FURIOUS. I don’t remember where he was when I called him, probably with her- since he moved her from Florida to a place 2 miles from our home. YES, you read that right too. He. Moved. Her. Here. She has been right under my nose for 2 years. Why? “I don’t know”. Wherever he was- he raced home to deal with me. I honestly think he was with the whore because he made it home in about ten minutes. He sat down on the couch next to the desk where I was sitting, with the giant flat screen monitor displaying all of his dirty secrets.  He sat down and looked at me, showing no emotion, and said nothing. I was inconsolable, crying and furious, I had a deep, horrible pain in my chest that made its first appearance the day I watched my Dad take his last breath. I couldn’t pick which words to use, hell, I could barely form a sentence. I haven’t been cheated on since I was 19! I have never had to deal with this as an adult. And I certainly never thought I would be dealing with it from him. This man chased after me for over 20 years. Why?? “I don’t know.” this, from the man who said he would “spend the rest of his life making up for what every man has ever done to me”. He really made me fall hard for him. He knew all the right things to do and say. I won’t lie, while he was carrying on this disgusting interlude with the trailer skank, I was none the wiser. I was treated well, I have lived comfortably. He did tell me to ease up on the spending a few times, which I later surmised was so that he could afford to pay his whore’s bills. Which pissed me off more than I can even explain.

Some Background

He was a Senior and I was a Freshman. I don’t even remember how or when we met in high school. I do remember that we instantly became great friends. Inseparable. He says he remembers me from when we were little and my Dad was his boy scout troop leader. My brother was in scouts with him, so we go waaaay back- I just don’t remember any of it prior to age 13. But he does. In fact, my Mom and family are so in love with him that he read the eulogy at my Dad’s Celebration of Life. Listening to him talk about how honorable of a man my Dad is and everything else he threw in, knowing what he has done to me- and knowing that if my Dad were still here, he would be in a world of hell made me sob uncontrollably. It certainly wasn’t because I was touched by a damn word he said. I wanted to smack the fake somber look right off of his lying face.

Everyone told me when we were kids that it was obvious he was in love with me. I didn’t see it. I don’t think I wanted to see it. I loved our friendship. He was everything to me, and we didn’t have the drama of a relationship. I kinda knew, but I friend-zoned him. And there he stayed for 20 years. He was always super sweet and never condescending or had an unkind thing to say to me. He was always there for me when one of my many tumultuous relationships came to end, as they always did. He dated a couple of times, but not really. Even when he did see someone, they were never given priority over me. But now, after 20+ years of chasing me, and what I thought were several years of marital bliss, he DID put someone before me. It just goes to show that no matter how secure you may feel in your relationship, you’re not. Everyone is capable of cheating and lying. Everyone. Why? ” I don’t know.” I really was stupid. I thought this was the one. I thought I had finally found my soul mate in my friend. Thought. I sit here and shake my head as I write this, because even though this is my reality, it is all still so unreal to me. I still haven’t fully accepted this as anything but a nightmare from which I cannot wake up. I never thought he would be the one to hurt me so badly. So much more than any man ever had, or ever could. Why would he do this to me? Is it payback for all the years in the friend zone? Why? “I don’t know.”

Well, more next time. I am sick to death of having this shit in my head. It is always there. Like a pot waiting to boil over. There’s so many more facets to this that I haven’t touched on. This is all so bizarre.

 

 

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