Some Things Can’t Be Unbroken
Keep in mind, while all of this is going on, I haven’t been able to properly grieve for my Dad. He took that from me, and I can never have it back. How dare he get caught now. I literally just watched my Dad die. I. watched. My. Dad. Die. And now this. I may never truly recover from all the pain he has caused me at a time when I was already at my breaking point- crying all day and night. But, it has made it easier to keep his indiscretions and my humiliation a secret from the kids and the family. My Mom has asked why I don’t want to expose him to everyone for what he truly is- when everyone thinks he’s so wonderful. Well, I don’t want to hurt him, for one. I have no desire to hurt him like he has hurt me. The less people that know, the better off we are. People muddy the waters and interject feelings and opinions I don’t need. People take sides. I also don’t want the embarrassment of the whole world knowing how stupid I have been, or that my husband feels the need to fuck, suck, and support some dirty little trailer trash ugly fucking whore and buy shit for her dirty little trailer trash kids. Who already knows? Who have I been face to face with that knows what he has done to me?? That’s another one I will never know the answer to. But that may be for the best. I already want to disappear. The thought of people walking around knowing that he has been gallivanting around town with this homely piece of white trash- which he has fully denied- he claims they never went anywhere, just to the trailer park that was 2 miles from our house- which was located in one of the most sought-after neighborhoods in town. Riiiighhhhht. For two years they never went anywhere?? He really must think I am stupid as fuck. Maybe I am. Maybe that’s why he chose me. Maybe I have Dunning-Kruger syndrome. It’s not like I would ever know.
We are 2 days in to the “knowing” chapter of my life. My life that I thought was so great. How could I be so blind? So fucking stupid? Why did he need this? What was I not giving him? Or doing for him?? Why? “I don’t know.” This man, who has an answer for everything, is suddenly at a loss for words. There’s more to this that he’s not telling me. I can feel it. Even though I have begged and pleaded through tears and sobs for him to just tell me everything, I get nothing. I haven’t slept for 2 days. I’m exhausted and broken. I have been sharing my life and my heart with a man I don’t even know.
I told him if he wants to even TRY to make this work, I want all of his passwords, and access to all of his/our accounts. He said “Ok. I will do anything you want me to.” Emotionless. If anything, the only expression I saw was irritation and regret- not serious regret- but the type of face you make when you thought about buying a loaf of bread but didn’t, then get home and realize you shoulda bought the damn bread. That’s what I mean to him. What all of this means to him. Our life means nothing to him. So I totaled up the receipts that I was able to find, and what I can prove he spent on the whore totals about 13k. I know he handed her cash often- that he will never admit to. But I have a solid number for what he spent on her, and I want it back. That was OUR money. My check goes in that account too. 13 thousand dollars. That’s what our marriage is worth to him. So, I told him I want 13k in an account of my own, so that I can be afforded the same courtesy she was, should I decide to leave him and need money for a place to stay for a while. He said “ok.”
Until this point, the only contact I have had with our income is spending it. He said he would take care of all of the bills to alleviate the stress from me. I took the bait. Hook, line, and sinker. He said since I had to do all of it in my last marriage, that he would do it all and I could worry about other things. I was so relieved. Never in a million years would I have thought he was doing this to hide his double life. Never. Typical narcissism – he gets praise for doing what appears to be a huge burden to take on for us, when really, he is just hiding his real agenda. I thanked him for it. I thanked him for hiding the truth from me. And he just let it happen. There are so many fucking times he could have told me- before it got to this. Or he could have left if he didn’t want to be with me. Why?? “I don’t know.” I’ll tell you why– you have it all. You have the madonna and the whore.