A Voice of Reason
Ok, so the evening of the day I found out- I was numb. I didn’t know what to do or what to think. I didn’t even know my husband anymore. I took a shower. The hot water felt amazing on my swollen eyes. I stood there in the shower trying to make sense of what was happening to me. I started to cry again, and the steam was overwhelming me, so I put my teak stool in the shower and sat under the rain head for at least an hour. What do I do now? Do I leave? I have to get out of here. Away from him. So I got dressed and went to my Mom’s house. she always puts things into perspective for me when I can’t. The long drive there gave me a lot of time to think as well.
When I go to my Mom’s house, I was suddenly overwhelmed by everything that needed to get out of my head and wanted to start screaming and crying- basically just explode. But I didn’t. We sat down in her Better Homes and Gardens perfect living room- across from each other, and I told her she was not going to even believe what I had to say. I don’t remember exactly what came out of my mouth at the time, but it was something to the effect of “He has been having an affair for two years. He bought the whore a fucking car.” Her jaw dropped in disbelief. Literally. All she could get out was “WHAT?! IS THIS A JOKE?! HA HA. NOT FUNNY!!” I went on to tell her what I knew already, and after I had already made it clear to her that I was going to try to somehow forgive him or move past this, she said, “That’s what I hoped you were saying.” It was a huge relief to hear from my Mom that she also thought I was making the right decision. I already felt worthless and stupid for what he had done to me and gotten away with for so long- I couldn’t bear the thought of my Mom being disappointed in me. Keep in mind, we are now only about 4 days past my Dad passing away, and we were already emotional wrecks. I didn’t want to unload this on her, but I had to. I tell my Mom EVERYTHING. Well, we don’t talk about sex or anything, and I keep some other deets on the DL. But for the most part, my Mom is my soul’s mirror. She gets me. And even if I am being stupid, she never makes me feel stupid. I really felt like I was being a spineless, worthless idiot for not walking out on him, but I have my reasons for choosing to stay. First and foremost, I love him. I love him more than I thought I could love anyone. And this is my 3rd husband. I’ve been around this block a few times, but it finally felt right to me. For once. Little did I know. I am still in shock from what I have found out, and I’m NOT going to make any rash decisions until my head clears, if it ever does. Second, I love our life together. Things are going pretty well- at least I thought they were. He has never treated me poorly, and had I not found out, this could have continued in perpetuity. He still took care of me. Our life wasn’t lacking anywhere that I can think of. But, evidently I am not aware of everything, so maybe there IS stuff going sour. We need marriage counseling. Third, I can’t tear up my kids’ lives over my damaged pride and broken heart. they are comfortable, they like their schools and their friends. I can’t just yank them out of their lives and make them live in a hotel with me for who-knows-how-long. And finally, because I just cannot imagine life without him.
My Mom understood all of my reasons for staying and trying to make this work. Plus, I have a long history of quitting and walking away, or making harsh decisions and later regretting them. But this time something really important is on the line, and I can’t let my damaged pride decide my future or my kids’ futures on this one.
The whole time I was talking to my Mom, my husband was texting me. I was ignoring him. I didn’t have anything productive to say yet, and wasn’t AT ALL interested in a damn thing he could possibly have to say to me. After about 2 hours, I finally worked up the nerve to text him. I did NOT want to hear his voice. I told him (in so many words) that if he had any interest in saving our marriage, the whore’s car will be in our driveway when I get home, he will cut off all contact with her, put me on all of our accounts, and tomorrow he would go trade in the whore’s car on a car for my daughter who was about to turn 16, and that he would be totally transparent from here on out. No more lies. No more secrets. And for a while, no more privacy. He simply texted back “ok”. I talked and cried to my Mom for a little bit longer, and right about the 20 minute mark, he texted and said “the car is in our driveway.” I texted back “ok”. He really did it. Maybe he does want to stay with me? Maybe the whore really doesn’t mean anything to him? Then WHY?? Why? “I don’t know.”