Too Many Narcissists, So Little Time
I decided right away that we were going to have to go to marriage counseling, because he needed to hear from a non-biased 3rd party that there is something seriously wrong/lacking with our marriage, or that he is still lying about everything, and there is something seriously wrong with him. Every time I asked why, or what was so wrong with our marriage that he would go elsewhere, he would say “Nothing is wrong.” Well, sorry, raising the bullshit flag. Men in marriages where nothing is wrong don’t feel the need to pursue, relocate, provide with furniture, a car, insurance, and fuck nasty ass trailer trash while their wife and kids are at home none the wiser.
So we set up an appointment to go see this guy – a licensed therapist. Boy was that an expensive mistake. It was $125 a session, and we went 3 times. I am actually the one who chose to stop seeing him. the man was a TOTAL narcissist. Just what I needed. So the first session consisted of him asking why we were there, and what issues we are having. Well, front and center, the issue would be the cheating. Then my Dad’s passing. Then my self-esteem issues. When I said to the therapist “what he has done to me has destroyed what little self confidence I had.”, he immediately dismissed my feelings and concerns and snaps at me with, “YOU have self esteem issues? You’re a tall, extremely beautiful woman that doesn’t have to put up with this shit from anyone. You don’t have any reason to have low self esteem. That’s just STUPID. Moving along…”, and he then spends the rest of our very costly hour insulting my husband. My husband didn’t seem to care, but I did. So I told the doctor to lay off. He asked me why I care if someone makes him feel bad, doesn’t he deserve it? He said something like, “don’t you WANT him to feel bad?!” and I said, “I have no desire to hurt him. I love him. I am in enough pain for both of us.” the doctor just shook his head at me, and said that it was amazing that after all I’ve been through that I don’t want to kill him. Is this what marriage counseling is? Anyone? Because I don’t see how this helps anything. I wanted to quit after the first session. My husband insisted we try it a couple of more times, in an effort to do everything humanly possible to get things back to semi-normal with us. I obliged.
Session two- even worse. More of the same. Insults, pointed questions to make me emotional, and this doctor and his Cheshire grin. I was BEYOND done with this whack-job. This counselor says to me, “why do you think he is here? He has money, he can go get whoever he wants, so why would he waste his time doing this with you if he didn’t really want t save the marriage?” I said, “ you mean the marriage he doesn’t care enough about to remain faithful?” He says yes, and repeats himself. I don’t know what to say here, because I DON’T know why he is here. He fucked up what was once a great thing, and I have no clue why. Nor why he wants it back now.
This counselor then goes into this hunter-gatherer caveman explanation as to why men cheat. He says it’s in their nature. It’s what men do. That was it for me. I told the fucking quack that he will NOT justify my husband’s stupid indiscretions by comparing us to cavemen. I could not believe this was happening. And I wasn’t getting any answers out of my husband about his affair, so what’s the fucking point here?
I was so upset and crying in each of the three sessions that we actually attended, that I decided I wasn’t gaining anything positive at all from this. There’s my husband, stoic af, and then we have fucking Bozo the clown trying to ignite flames that we are trying so hard to put out. It’s like every session was just this pompous ass ripping the freshly formed scab off of a healing wound. Is that what counseling is about? Constantly bringing up old shit and keeping the pain fresh in my mind? If so, no thanks. My husband’s face, voice, smell, and presence are enough to remind me every minute of every day that what I thought I had is gone forever. Well, it never was. I never had a great relationship. If I did, my husband wouldn’t feel the need to fuck and support trailer trash. Everything reminds me. Everywhere I look. Amazon, because he bought her so much stuff there, same with IKEA. Trans Siberian Orchestra tickets are on sale right now. He bought those for her. He’s never done anything like that for me. A guy at work that he used as his alibi. Chocolate shakes. Anything goth and slutty. Cheap fucking jewelry with tacky ass skulls. KIA dealerships. The word LEASE. You name it, pretty much. It is always on my mind. He claims he hasn’t spoken to the whore, but he’s a fucking liar. Maybe he is telling the truth. But he doesn’t get the benefit of doubt anymore. Ever. Maybe there is another whore. Then he’s technically not lying when he tells me he is not talking to whore number one. I just have a bad feeling he is up to something and I can’t shake it. Maybe I will always feel like this because he ruined everything. Everything.