So What Now?

Helping Myself

Well, I’ve realized that my husband can’t be fixed. He has no desire to. He doesn’t see what he did wrong. So why wouldn’t he just do it again? That’s right, he most likely will. And if I’m going to try to stay with him, I have to figure out how to deal with him the way he is. It’s not fair. I didn’t deserve any of this. For once in my life, I thought I was living right. But I was wrong. I’m always wrong. Especially where HE is concerned. He always has a better answer. Or takes my answer, flips words around, says the same fucking thing I did, but now it’s HIS idea or solution. He always has to be the best. And the center of attention. I won’t lie, I do daydream about horrible things happening to him. But I would be lost without him. And I don’t really want to hurt him. So I’m really stuck here. I just wish there was a way to go back and see what happened in his mind that justified the choices he made. When he chose to throw us away. When he chose to throw our money away. When he chose to lose my trust forever. When he chose to prove that true love is a myth and a waste of time.

I decided since he is not willing to do anything, I will. I will go to counseling myself and try to get my head right. Maybe I am only still with him because I don’t know how not to be? Or maybe because I’m just that fucked up. He definitely fucked me up. Losing my dad fucked me up. And having the image of that ugly fucking skank in my head all the time is driving me insane. I want to confront the whore. With him. I want to get it all out. I wish I could just disappear sometimes. I can’t even begin to explain what this has done to my ego. He didn’t even cheat with someone attractive! Not even close to attractive! I mean seriously, all ill will aside, that bitch is uuuugly. I don’t care if anyone thinks less of me for having an honest opinion about her physical appearance. She is like so deep in the shallow end of the gene pool that she has thin lips and thin flat hair. There are obvious genetic mutations that lead to full trailer parks, folks.

Eye For An Eye?

Should I do it? Would that make me feel better? Doubtful. I don’t want to be a piece of shit. Because it will weigh on me even more than dealing with a piece of shit.  I think. I won’t really know the answer to that unless, or until, I decide to do it. Or not to. I have this awful pain in my chest every day that won’t go away. Every time he leaves I have to wonder where he is really going. Should I? Should I keep letting this hurt me every fucking day or figure out how to ignore it and just live life for what its worth and take full advantage of it? I mean, it’s not like I suffered before I knew. Except that I couldn’t spend as much money as usual, after all, he had to support the fuck-around-gang too. I don’t know what to do right now. And it’s not like I have to decide right away. I could wait till 10 or 15 years from now and go screw around on him. He’d still deserve it. This shit doesn’t just go away.

I Don’t Even Know

I really have no idea whether he has stopped fucking around or not. All I have is his word, which means NOTHING to me anymore. I used to think so highly of him. I don’t know if he even realizes what he has done. Not only to my image of myself, but of him too. I used to be so confident with us, with our thing that we had. It felt amazing. I will never feel that again. He might. Who knows what the fuck he is thinking? He sure as hell isn’t telling me.

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