The Million Dollar Question
Ya know, I have had so many thoughts going through my head 24/7 since my life fell apart, but the one that keeps popping up- in every situation- is why? Why me? Why him? Why her? Why? Why try? Why bother? Why assume things will ever be any different? Why wake up every day? But ultimately, why? Just why?? “I don’t know.”
I’ll Tell You Why
Well, there are many “whys” going through my head that I don’t now, and may never have the answers to. But there are a few that I may know, or at least think I do, which is enough to satisfy the part of my brain that won’t rest until the “whys” are answered.
Why me? I still don’t know why he did this to me. To us. I may never. He claims to have been in love with me since we were kids, and he gets me after 20 years of chasing, and then decides he needs to cheat on me and lie to me? Unless it’s the reason that both therapists have given me – he simply wasn’t thinking about me at all, he was thinking about himself. But I don’t totally buy that answer. Two years’ time didn’t lapse without him thinking of me while he was doing all of these things behind my back. He put a lot of effort into keeping everything hidden. So he WAS thinking about me. And how to get away with fucking me over and making an ass of me. All the while making me fall in love with him. If I could just hate him and walk away this would be so much easier, for real. My thoughts on this are: he is a textbook narcissist and never really loved me the way he claimed/claims to, he DOES know why he did this and just doesn’t feel it is necessary to explain because I’m not worth that much to him- which has been proven, and I will just have to feel however I’m gonna feel about this and never get the whole truth. If I am so special to him and he loves me soooo much, why would he do this? Why would he risk losing our life together if it really meant that much to him? I’ll tell you why. Because it DOESN’T. None of it matters anymore. It’s like that part of my life is gone. Dead. No longer exists. I will never forget this. I will never feel the way I once felt. Yet he seems to be able to just go on with life as usual, while I alone carry the burden of what he has done to us. The man I fell completely in love with no longer exists.
Why him? I can honestly say, he is the LAST person on earth that I thought would ever betray me or break my heart. But he did. Completely destroyed my heart, my mind, my trust, my security, my everything. Maybe he did it because he knew I would never believe he would be capable of such a thing. Or maybe he is a liar and his ex-wives were telling the truth when they told me about him cheating. But I’m supposed to believe that THEY are the ones lying. Not him. Well, I used to. Now I believe NOTHING that comes out of his mouth. Literally NOTHING.